Monday, August 1, 2011

Eating My Words (and everything else)

I swear I'll lay off the preggo posts soon, but right now, it's sort of all consuming. I mean, I don't think I am THAT girl that talks nonstop about the miracle of pregnancy, telling every cashier at the grocery/Target/Costco I'm knocked up and "validate me! validate me!" But yet it's still is a part of just about everything I do - considering I have this big round thing hanging off my body that prevents me from wearing anything resembling normal clothes and being able to put on socks.

But I felt I needed to say this - everything I always swore I would do/be as a pregnant broad is the exact opposite that I am.

Example #1:
"I don't understand how women just use pregnancy as a time to let themselves go and just eat themselves silly. I'll never do that - if I don't eat garbage now, I most certainly won't do it when I'm growing a baby."


Example #2:
"I don't know why women freak out about gaining weight when they get pregnant - YOU'RE PREGNANT! Of course you're going to put on a few pounds - there's a human inside of you!"

FUCK YOU, CLOSET. I hate you with all your stupid normal clothes. Go ahead, mock me. Mock me with your cute summer dresses, you sweet skirts, even your running shorts that I actually once needed to tie using the drawstrings. And don't EVEN LOOK AT ME, SCALE-AT-THE-DOCTOR'S-OFFICE. I see you and your smirking side eye, quietly judging as this nurse keeps moving that top marker higher..higher...I hate both of you. Leave me alone.

Example #3:
"Why are pregnant women always complaining? You're pregnant, did you not know you would be sick/fat/tired/uncomfortable?"

Husband (any given day): Hey babe. How was (hesitant pause because he knows what's coming) your day?
Me: Oh, you mean aside from the fact that my back is killing and I couldn't sleep? Or the fact that the the insomnia had me up at 3:30am? Or that I'm still sick? Or that I'm fucking fat and I hate myself for eating an entire bag of Reeces Pieces? Or wait - did I tell you about the fact that these headaches are destroying my ability to get any sort of work done? Which one? Take your pick."
Husband: Nevermind.

Ah yes, I am sure there are more examples of why I am the world's biggest hypocrite, but that's enough for now. I think that's enough self-shame for one night. Oh, and look at that - just as I am ending this post, Baby D starts kicking up a storm. I guess that's a pretty good note to end on!