So here I am, six days into what appears to be a massive ax-through-the-head-praying-for-death-or-the-like-layin-ya-out-flat-all-weekend kinda cold (flu? sinus infection? who really knows?!) and after plowing my way through the entire cold remedy section of the local CVS, I am no closer to health than I was when the shit hit the fan last week.
What have I taken? Oh, let's see:
Sudafed, Tylenol Sinus, Advil, Cepacol, cough syrup, Nyquil, Theraflu, etc.
I got so desperate today, I pulled some pants over my pj's and a sweat shirt over my tank top (so I didn't have to wrestle with a bra), and drove to my sister's house in a sinus-filled fog, and rummaged through her medicine cabinet like a crack whore looking for antibiotic-rock.
She had one pill. Ripped that shit open, swallowed it with a shot of lemonade.
Yeah, I'm hard core like that.
But that wasn't enough. No, need more. Must have more.
So I proceeded to call my sister Devin, who then informed that she did not have any, but that if they did, she would have given it to her husband who has insisted on pouring hydrogen peroxide into his gaping knee wound each morning rather than see a doctor, but nooo, he couldn't be bothered with going to the doctor so he would rather let his knee fall off....something, something, I can't hear anymore cause my ears are filling with fluid.....
At this point, I was one Advil away from accosting my sister's 15-year-old male tenent for anything - ANYTHING- he had in his medicine cabinet, until it occurred to me that his family are like really big Jesus-Church people, and they likely only had some Eucharist wafers, a bottle of holy wine, and a round of "Go Tell It On The Mountain" to cure their ills - so yeah, that wouldn't have helped.
So then I did what every poor, recently graduated, newly employed psychologist without a primary care physician would do - I drove right back to the CVS and asked the pharmacist what the strongest over the counter med he would recommend for a chest/head cold. Apparently my mucus-filled throat, wheezing and cold sweats didn't tip him off, as he then asked if I would need it for an adult or child. So I cough/hacked out loud (seriously) looked right him, and said, "Um, yeah, it's for me."
Plus, and I must add this, I have this weird paranoia about getting drugs form the drug store these days, what with all the meth people scooping up all the Sudafed in such mass meth- quantities that you now have to take a little tag and bring it to the pharmacist so they can relinquish the meds to you. And frankly, for all intents and purposes, I could very well been one of the meth-heads rocked out, trying to score.
Because I am sure, in that moment, I looked like it. Body shakes, cold sweats, hacking cough, low-pulled baseball hat, homemade-meth lab in my trunk.
Anyhoo, where was I?
Oh right. Dimatapp.
So the pharmacist recommends Dimatapp. For kids.
So I jumped in my car, turn it on, then proceeded to (accidentally) drink the whole bottle.
What? Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't mean to, I swear - it's just that it's made for kids so I thought I would need to just double the dosage 'cause I am like, well, a bigger kid.
And then, well, truth be told, it tasted a lot like grape Kool Aid.
And....I think we all know where I stand on grape Kool Aid.
It's the elixir of the gods.
Yes. Yes it is.
And it seems to be working. At least the pink squirrels in my living room tell me so.