Monday, April 20, 2009

To celebrate my one year anniversary as an Ironman, I weighed myself at the gym last week.

Turns out that my once-favorite Ironman motto of “You will do this” has become “If it ain’t elastic, I ain’t wearing it.”

My farts have been really bad as of late. Like, smell wise. And potency.

The kind where, 10 minutes after you fart, it still hangs thick in the air like the shame over a bedroom the morning after a one night stand.

Or so I’ve heard.

From my friends.

They’re real sluts.

I have reached the pinnacle of voyeurism. No, it wasn’t the obsessive scouring of photos every time I get a friend request on FB, or even the routine checking of blogs.

I mean, yes - I still do those.

But I refer now to the fact that I have been on Twitter for a week now, have yet to post even once, but check it about one an hour.

Twitter is like the cliff-notes version of blogging. One liners, right to the point.

“Just got back from run and it sucked.”

“Made cookies and ate them all.”

And it was all fun and games until this morning – when I didn’t get to the remote control fast enough, and ended up having my senses assaulted by the *ahem* ladies of The View.

Turns out good old Barbara W is all about the Twitter now.

So I figure, if 150-year-old ladies are getting on this bandwagon, maybe its already time to get off.

I mean, first Ashton, then Oprah, and now this?

Is there ANYTHING cool a celebrity doesn’t ruin?!?!?!

Drink Up
My job has officially turned me into a wino. No shit. For the last 10 years, I have been virtually alcohol free, save a few minor incidents of which we no longer speak.

And all photos have been burned.

Anylush, I have now taken to having a glass of wine every night. I figure, hey, if I have to work until midnight, just to round out my 18 hour days, why not do it with some of this magic elixir everyone is talking about?

I have somehow reasoned that a glass of wine is somehow sooo much better and less of a "on-her-way-to-being-a-drunk-in-the-gutter"-type-vice then pouring myself a stiff martini.

Just how is this different?

I don’t know.

But four glasses in, I don’t care either.


The Big Cheese said...

One of your best posts, ever. But let's clear up (litterally) the farting problem by the time I get home. Only room to park one crop duster in that apartment of ours.

prin said...

1. lol!
2. I think you need a break from Cheese so you can rediscover your lady-ness.

Yes, I said "rediscover". :D

3. Ooo, you scour after getting friended too? *blushes* Now I have to find you on twitter. It's gradually sucking me in. Maybe. Btw, the best so far is Trent Reznor of NIN. His tweets are funny.

There was a really funny Christopher Walken too, but I guess he wasn't the real one so they disabled him. Too bad.

4. Four glasses tonight? Or four glasses this month?

and lol @ all your tags being bad things. :D Well, except the "random" one. That's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, do I miss you and love you all at the same time.

Have I ever told you I love fart smells? To bad we don't live closer, we could have 'fart slumber parties' - you fart under the covers, I go under and take it all in.

Love the elastic comment, so true. you, we hardly drank either, and now we find ourselves with an adult juice box in our hands every night too. wtf? is this what happens when you finish an ironman? you wear elastic, have farts you can taste, and drink more...pretty sexy!

I haven't jumped on the twitter thing yet, no internet on phone to keep my 'status' updated like everyone else. so f*** em', I am not doing it, esp if the ol' cooch Barbara is on it. Ha!

Come to WI I miss you!

Amy said...

Re Twitter: I figure as long as you were BO or BBW (Before Oprah or Before Barbara W) then you are all in the clear. If on the other hand you are on twitter because Oprah or Barbie W then you have bigger problems then killer farts and a love of fermented grapes. Or is that fermented farts and killer grapes.

Re farts: invest in some candles. maybe something with a lite smell to cancel out the foulness. And remember: I'm happy for you (as long as farting is making you feel better)

Eric said...

Nothing wrong with a stiff martini :-) And YES, celebrities DO have to ruin EVERYTHING!!!

Benson said...

What are you eating that causes said lethal farts?
I'm a celebrity with no twitter, no facebook and I'm quite happy. Try it. Harpo and Bah Bah can suck it.

Alili said...

I want to be your neighbor. You, my dear are a riot.

Captain Cactus said...

Oh dear ... have the Pants and I started you on something with that bottle of wine in January? It's a habit I can certainly support!

Duane said...

Damn you are so funny! You always make me smile!

Borsch said... cheese's comment!

rUntoNamAste said...

The bio hazardous flatulance must be an epidemic. I try to run away from my own toxic explosions but the drag is ever so lingering. How can we solve this problem?

Twitter sucks and DRINK UP! It's good for you.


Anne-Marie Kennedy said...

Hooray!! I can't wait to have this baby, so that we can drink wine together!!!! I knew you would come around to the sweet vino!

anji said...

My kids have driven me to drink the past two weeks. I don't respond well to alcohol, apparantely. Whoops.

instead, now I welcome my new addiction, rice krispy squares. What's a few more pounds?

the crazy jogger said...

too much undigestd food causin killer farts?
n I agree. Twitter got flooded due to celebs
n sweet post!