Friday, July 31, 2009

Bracing for Steelhead 70.3

(devin sent this to me yesterday - taken on the 4th of july, in case people forgot what I looked like, what with my shameful lack of posting)

So the day of reckoning has arrived.

It’s my first (and only) tri of the season.

Steelhead 70.3.

I know - crazy right? I can't even remember if I have mentioned once that I was racing this season.

Yeah, that should suffice as the foreshadowing on what is to come.

To say that I feel grossly undertrained would be way too obvious.

I mean, I guess when you are standing on front of your mirror the night before you leave, trying to find some fit-approriate race clothes because nothing you have fits after having not raced in a year, you should probably re-evaluate your (lack of) race strategy.

As in, re-evaluate and shut it down.

But no, true gluttons for punishment would NEVER be so impulsive.

No - what we do instead is make a last-minute run to the tri-store for a wet bra, say a small prayer to the Love-Handle Gods in the hopes they make nice with your (possibly too tight) tri shorts, and get to packin’.

Oh yeah, lest I forget to mention that I also received my "lady friend" last night, complete with vomit-inducing cramps, bloat, and back pain.

Seriously - EVERY.SINGLE.RACE. for the last 18 months (including last year's Ironman, and all the 1/2 marathons this year) have started with this mess.

So again, my perpetual question to the Injustices of the World: Why do you have to make being a lady SUCK ASS? And can't you just let me have a race without worrying baout my uterus dropping out in T1?


Oh, and have I mentioned that the water is about as cold as it was last year, when I pulled out the STELLAR performance at Racine?

Ahh, let’s re-live that awesome weekend, shall we?

*folds hands under chin and looks longingly in the distance*

Oh, wait. That’s right.

I DNF’d.

And this would be my first tri since that time.

So given my ill-preparation, my ugly outfit (‘cause it’s all about looking cute, no?), mensus (what an awesome word), and my recent history of pussing out in the cold water, I would say that I am a wee bit (read: pants-crapping) nervous.

So nervous that I started binge eating JuJu Bees and have commenced nervous-stomach diarrhea.

(Dear Clyde, who will be housing me tonight – Don’t worry. It should clear up by the time I drive up later. I think. I hope. Ah hell, just get the plastic mattress pad ready just in case.)

So in just a bit, I will be off – heading up to pick up the packet, check in the bike (which, up until my birthday, was held together with duct tape – looks like it’s not just my ass width that I've let slide a bit...) and try to hunker down with all my positive thoughts to get me through the swim.

See you all on the other side!

(p.s. – on a total random side note, did you know that July is National Ice Cream Month? I sure didn’t, and I sure as hell have some celebrating to make up - Why do I find these things out on the 31st?!?!?!?!? What are the odds that August is National Brownie Month?)


Fave said...

duct tape give a bike character.
love handles gives a body character (at lest I tell myself that, but what's so lovable about them)
finishing a race on sheer will and skillz, well that gives a person character.
Kick butt. I look forward to the race report.
(faster! faster! go faster!)

MissAllycat said...

Fake it 'til you make it. :)

Brent Buckner said...


Captain Cactus said...

Can we make August "International" Brownie Month?! I'd like to get in on that.

Have an awesome time at the race. I'll be sending you good vibes from my own start line Sunday morning.

Carolina John said...

Good luck! i'm sure you'll do fine and have fun.

J-Wim said...

have fun anyway, what's could go wrong?? Try not to be last- that works pretty good for me.
I get mine too EVERY.SINGLE.RACE. WTF?? I figured out that if all goes according to projections I am due again 9/13/09, which coinicides with my first IM. Lovely.

Pharmie said...

What Ally said :) I did Steelhead last year on little more than 2 days of training a week. I finished in not my best, but not my worst time. You'll be fine, and I can't wait to read about it, cause I know the post will be flippin hilarious. This one was!

prin said...

Hey, whoa. That "lady" is no "friend".

And, like, you should go on the pill if you decide to have a super-tri summer/year. That way you can rearrange your schedule. Sure, they'll give ya cancer later, but later schmater.

Good luck!!!

prin said...

p.s. I like your hair curly. Super cute. :)

The (IRON) Clyde said...

And here Matt thought those pads were mine...I guess I should have read this post before the weekend.

Good job out there yesterday!!

Tri-Angle said...