Tuesday, March 3, 2009

As the Mind Turns

A. Before anything else, I wanted to give a HUGE congrats to Steph, who placed FIRST in her age group in this weekends indoor tri at her gym!! And crazier - she did it while nursing a cold too! You're a badass, Ms. Steph!

B. In honor of No Cuss Week, this was submitted by Flatman. Enjoy. I did.

C. A List!

Top Ten Things I’ve Leaned from Watching True Crime Shows (Specifcally “First 48,” "DEA," and "Manhunters")
1. My parents were right – nothing good happens after 10pm.

2. No one wakes up in the morning and decides to be a murderer – that is, if you are going to kill someone, chances are you are already in the system for a litany of other crimes.

3. Criminals are not as smart as CSI and Law and Order would have you believe. Why? Because it seems that many crimes are done impulsively, and not really thought through. Thus, the “strategy” is lacking, if you will.

4. Speaking of strategy, hiding a semi automatic weapon in the dirty laundry basket pretty much signs your walking papers to the Pokey. Lock. Key. Done.

5. Surviving a robbery is similar to surviving a plane crash – the act is just as random, and you’re just as likely to get out alive (read: you’re not).

6. If a car is on fire, there’s dead body inside. So call the police. And lock your doors.

7, Like my dad used to say – you run with dogs, you get fleas. Hence, you hang with drug dealers and gang bangers, you will likely die at some point. And not naturally.

8. It never ceases to amaze me how little value some people place on human life. It’s like killing someone is the ONLY option of conflict resolution.

9. If you’re a bad guy, chances are you have a nickname (Lil’ D and J-Roc being the more popular). And oddly, not one person in your life will know your real name.

10. If a cop picks you up and brings you into the “Homicide” department for questioning, there’s a p.r.e.t.t.y. good chance they already have your number. Hence, when they ask you where you were on Friday night, they already know. Keep that in mind, and lie accordingly.

In addition to these observations, I have to speak to a startling episode. On this one episode, this guy confessed to shooting four adults (two of which were his brother and sister-in-law) to death, stabbing two children to death, and beating the life nearly out of three other children (stabbing one of them in the head as well). Pretty horrible right? But the starling part was that, after he confesses, his mother holds his hands, then hugs him and says I love you – the entire time lacking any sort of emotional affect whatsoever.

Why does this surprise me? Well, let me just say that if that were me, and I told my mom I just murdered my brother, his wife, and two for their five children, and was a monster enough to stab the faces off the other three, I am fairly certain she wouldn’t offer a hug and some comforting words.

Rather, my guess is that, right before she grasps her own heart and falls into cardiac arrest, she’ll fashion a shank out of the investigators Bic pen and shove right in my throat. This, to me, seems the more appropriate reaction then a hug and an “Everyone makes mistakes” speech.



Mommymeepa said...

HAHAHA. That is so what my mom would too. I mean the bic pen description not the hug. Funny post. Thanks.

Maggs said...

Uh oh. I hope having a nickname (Maggs) and the fact that most of the world...including a lot of friends...does not know my real name is Margaret does not mean anything. I'm going to start using Margaret more.

prin said...

No responsibility. That's what that mom is about. She doesn't expect him to own his actions.

The world is a sad place. :(

J-Wim said...

True that.
#10 made me laugh. I have alwasy told my kids that I don't ever ask them a question without having a pretty good idea what the answer is so it is to their advantage to answer with the simple truth.

And nothing good does happen after 10, thats why I go to bed then.

Eric said...

That video is "bleeping" hilarious!!! :-)

Amy said...

I can add some stuff to your reality crime list.
1. It's really hard not to sound whiny in doctor's records. I read them as part of my job. People sound wimpy and whiny. Just so you know when you claim injury and sue your med records become part of the investigation and EVERYTHING is read.
2. People go to the doctor too much. For the smallest stupidest thing. It pisses me off. It's one thing to have to go back for a chronic condition it's another to go every time you sneeze.
3. You never know when someone is watching you so if you hurt your back and are suing DON'T take the garbage out or do the gardening or spend all day shopping when you've told the courts and the lawyers that you can't be upright for more than 30 minutes.
4. If you weren't wearing your seatbelt you're an idiot (same goes for helmets).

I wish I was in homicide... litigation and insurance claims can be super dull.

Flatman said...

hell yes.

lil' maggs. ;)

I am in bed soooo before 10 it's not even funny. My whole family says I'm old.

The Fire said...

another terryism is "the guy who kisses ass eventually ends up with a mouthful of shit" sorry to ruin no cuss week...never been much of a follower anyways

Captain Cactus said...

Um ... is badass a cuss? 'Cause you broke Cuss week in the first paragraph. Oh, and was I not allowed back on the El because nothing good happens after 10?

Borsch said...

lol...i love #10 "lie accordingly"