It's been a while since I posted a wedding update.
And it's probably because there hasn't been much of one, despite the fact that the wedding is about 75 days away.
In my whole life, there has been nothing I have procrastinated about more than this wedding.
And now it's catching up with me.
Like, really bad.
It took me until yesterday to really understand what is going on with me, why I put stuff off, why I have been hating all this so much.
And it's not like I am one of those brides so obsessed with details that I carry around a binder full of notes, ideas, contracts, etc.
In fact, it's brutally the opposite.
See, when this whole engagement thing first went down, I was determined NOT to be one of those brides - you know, the ones who lose their shit so bad they get their own tv shows because they become their own entertainment?
So I went the opposite direction -I cared so little most of the time, nothing ever got done. There were no Save the Dates, we didn't book hotel rooms - stuff that MIGHT NOT matter if our wedding wasn't comprised of 75% out-of-towners.
So I always waited until Cheese came home from a job deployment, and he has always been the one to sit down, do the guest list, make up budget spreadsheets, devised a master checklist, come up with rehearsal guest list, do the ENTIRE website complete with all travel/tourist information, etc.
Weird, but the "guyest" of guys has made himself into quite the wedding planner.
I go for long rides, scope out my new 50-meter pool, think about what other races I want to do.....
And after my meltdown yesterday over my invitations (which I am doing myself - yes, the homemade variety because I cannot stomach the idea of paying someone thousand of dollars to print an address on a piece of paper - call me crazy or cheap, but on the list of priorities, we threw more money at the important stuff, like open bar and our music), it finally dawned on my what all this reaction is about.
See, I feel stuck between two worlds - caring and not caring. On one hand, I really don't care about things like centerpieces, and flowers, and invitations. To me, an open bar, decent food and quality music equals a time well had.
But then I have my moments when I DO care about the stupid details - the color scheme, the "theme," the look of the invites. Not really for myself, but for other people - how will other people judge my choices?
As if there are going to be people at the wedding, sitting for dinner, saying, "Huh. Now I notice the pattern of her invites doesn't seem to correspond to anything in this room. And her color scheme? I don't get it. Is it black? Grey? Red? My goodness, this poor girl has no style."
And then it occurred to me.
I don't have a style.
Or a color.
Or a theme.
Not in wedding life, and not in general life.
In real life, I am the girl that borrows clothes from her sisters.
So now I am the girl that borrows their wedding vases for my homemade center pieces.
In real life, I am the girl that has no sense of fashion style.
So now I am the girl that let her bridesmaids pick their uber-casual black jersey knit dresses.
In real life, I am the will always pick the "simple and easy" when it comes to decorating. The less, the better.
So now I am the girl going with the minimalist approach to this wedding - keep it personal, keep it real, and skip the meaningless extras.
In real life, I am just a mix of ironies, and contradictions, and craziness - a girl that never planned to married and never had that "dream wedding" image.
So now I am the girl who is piecing things together as I like, without a death-grip adherence to some sort of "vision" of perfection.
And I think we all know I am FAR from perfect.
See, a big part of my procrastination was that my personality didn't care about these little things, but my insecurities cared about what people might think - how they might judge my non-professional invites, or my homemade bridesmaids bouquets. So when stuck between these two worlds, my panic made me avoid.
I always avoid under pressure.
I really tried to let that go yesterday after talking with Cheese and my friend Anne-Marie.
So what if people look at my invites and think: "So weird she would have her 2-year-old nephew help with these." Who cares? They are going to look at them, get the date and time, and them throw them away.
If I just do what I want, and stop worrying about what other people want/think/judge, I just might survive this thing.
Now back to those invites.....