Today was one of those days where my rage far surpassed any type of rage I may have ever had towards anybody.
I mean, there was probably not a single person I didn't hate today for some reason or another.
(okay fine, except for the girl I interviewed that just came into foster care - I just wanted to give her a big hug, and hi-five the foster mom who just loves the pants off this kid)
But then it was right back to rage.
And to make it worse, every turn I made in my car, every decision I made about things as insignficant as where to get my next cup of coffee - EVERY SINGLE thing- just was wrong.
Things I Hate Today:
My clothes that don't fit
The traffic I spent four hours in
Parents that can't take care of children and fuck them up
People that think they are the Pope
The food damage I did over the last few weeks
The fact that I am doing everything I can to waste all those months of fitness
People that don't do their work or half-ass it because they have a supervisor (me) to clean up
Having to work twice as hard because of those people, and thus working until 3am every night, but yet still making the same shitty pay
The fact that this isn't going to change anytime soon
That I had to actually think about it when the foster mother asked me today if my degree was worth the money put into it
Yeah, I know I should be counting my blessings and making lists of all the things I love - blah, blah, blah. But I can't. Not today.
And at the heart of this anger isn't really anger at all - it the snowball effect of a lot of a things to just really make me feel hopelessness.
The kind of hopeless where it seems that - no matter how much I stick with it, no matter how hard I work, I am simply never going to move forward.
That we collectively aren't moving forward.
And the feeling that I have very little control over that.
Well, on that happy note, I'm off to make some more coffee. It's 10:54pm, I am about to embark on my 14th hour of work, and will be up through tomorrow morning, just to turn around and do it all again.