Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Red

Today was one of those days where my rage far surpassed any type of rage I may have ever had towards anybody.

Ever.

I mean, there was probably not a single person I didn't hate today for some reason or another.

(okay fine, except for the girl I interviewed that just came into foster care - I just wanted to give her a big hug, and hi-five the foster mom who just loves the pants off this kid)

But then it was right back to rage.

Blood red.

And to make it worse, every turn I made in my car, every decision I made about things as insignficant as where to get my next cup of coffee - EVERY SINGLE thing- just was wrong.

Things I Hate Today:

My clothes that don't fit
The traffic I spent four hours in
Parents that can't take care of children and fuck them up
This election
People that think they are the Pope
The food damage I did over the last few weeks
Swimming
The fact that I am doing everything I can to waste all those months of fitness
Ignorant people
Bad skin
People that don't do their work or half-ass it because they have a supervisor (me) to clean up
Having to work twice as hard because of those people, and thus working until 3am every night, but yet still making the same shitty pay
The fact that this isn't going to change anytime soon
That I had to actually think about it when the foster mother asked me today if my degree was worth the money put into it

Yeah, I know I should be counting my blessings and making lists of all the things I love - blah, blah, blah. But I can't. Not today.

And at the heart of this anger isn't really anger at all - it the snowball effect of a lot of a things to just really make me feel hopelessness.

Fucking hopeless.

Sobbing-from-worry-and-anger-type hopeless.

The kind of hopeless where it seems that - no matter how much I stick with it, no matter how hard I work, I am simply never going to move forward.

That we collectively aren't moving forward.

And the feeling that I have very little control over that.

Well, on that happy note, I'm off to make some more coffee. It's 10:54pm, I am about to embark on my 14th hour of work, and will be up through tomorrow morning, just to turn around and do it all again.

15 comments:

stronger said...

cheers to your coffee cup, Meg.

Go Mom Go said...

Oh Meg!

How do we get you out of this? I need to know so I can get out too...

Fave said...

we all have those days - it makes the good ones even better.
just think - at least you have a job. and although it can be down right shitty at times. you do make an impact on a little one's life.
and today is HUMP DAY!!!!

Tri-Angle said...

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do it again. That's what makes you great McCue.

Prin said...

(hugs)

I won't say anything positive... Some days, the world just sucks hiney.

How about... Christmas is coming? I mean, if Cheese got you a huge diamond on a random weekend in the fall, imagine what he'll get you for Christmas. Like, really. He probably has something HUGE! planned.

No pressure, Cheese. :D

Borsch said...

M...

1. GET SOME SLEEP!

2. I'm way glad your in on the challenge. I never thought this many people would join me.

3. AHMEN!....
a) People that don't do their work or half-ass it because they have a supervisor (me) to clean up
b) Having to work twice as hard because of those people, and thus working until 3am every night, but yet still making the same shitty pay


4) I don't have a ton of races planned yet. I'm doing a 5K with Steve this weekend. Then I think Steve and Pharmie are both in for a half marathon in Jan. '09. Other than that nothing is on the books. We should find something central WI and split the difference.

Jenny Davidson said...

Yes - but it might be, seriously, that you need to look for a new job. Because sometimes the places we work really do make us crazy! And it is a factor in life that can be changed, no matter how permanent a feature it seems...

21stCenturyMom said...

I hope you got a good night's sleep and today doesn't look so bad. Things can really suck - especially when you work with abused kids. Pretty much nothing sucks more.

You know how when you really dread a workout and you REALLY don't feel like it and really don't think you have it in you and then you do it and you feel like a million bucks and you are so happy you did and so happy you are strong and fit? Remember that? Try applying that same 'just do it' determination to making a list of the things that make you happy and the things you are thankful for. I'm thinking it will have the same effect.

I respect your pity party/rage session but I'm the last person that will encourage you to hang on to it. That shit is just toxic - it bruises your soul.

- The Mom

Thea said...

Well, I only got one thing to say,which I was going to comment on earlier, but now seems the best spot- your pics lately have been great, and although you talk about eating, clothes not fitting, etc, your pics still show a great bod and a smiling Meg. You still look great girl, so don't be so hard on yourself. And you are still my inspiration for the ironman I will accomplish in the near future.

deb_dee said...

I hope your rant/vent/bitch post helped you blow off some steam! Sometimes, you just have got to get it off your chest and let it go. I wish I had a blog so I could post a rant about Facebook.

anji said...

I have totally had my fair share of those days too... I couldn't believe how much rage I had sometimes, and I wondered where the heck it all came from.

It took a while to subside... do you know what is provoking it? I found usually it was one thing that just seemed to become a very overly sensitive subject for me, and at some point, it just inflamed me (and sometimes still does)... which affected everything.

*hugs* and take it easy!

Duane said...

Hang in there!

Ellen said...

sorry to hear how bad your day was. i hope that atleast one of those things improves tomorrow.

Tyger Lily said...

Thinking of you Meg!

I'm with 21CMom. That shit is toxic to your soul! I wish I could make it better but I can't. I can however keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You feel so much and that's why we love you and that's what makes you who you are. You will get through this!

Kathy said...

Days like that really really suck - hope things are a bit brighter now (I soooo relate to the wasted fitness, clothes not fitting, killing myself with crap food bits... it's shocking what we do to ourselves sometimes)