Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Housewives and Husbands

Thanks to all those who have checked for a pulse in the last few days - got a little sidetracked with my piles of work and stuff. Seems I don't have a lot to say when I can barely breath under all the papers.

Shame Alert!
Okay, so while I have been holed up on Seward Street swimming in self-pity, child abuse cases, and bitch-ass reception sites that think it’s acceptable to charge $3000 just to rent the space between their four walls (three words – eat a dick), I have found myself taking time-outs to watch my new favorite brain-suck.

What is it?

Hold on…wait for it….

Real Housewives of Atlanta.


I know!

Not only is it uber-trashy (like watching 30-minute episodes of my high school life all over again, well… minus the millionaires and pro ball players….but with extra doses of hard-core bitches) but it is (gasp again!) reality tv at its FINEST.

Trust it, bitches.

This is IT.

And the biggest laugh of them all is the broke-ass fraud, Kim. She is essentially the only one on the show who does nothing for income (except apparently give it up to “big poppa” who in turn funds her lifestyle), she’s supposedly 29 but looks 59, drives a different luxury car each episode, thinks she can sing (but sounds freakishly like that karaoke video of me…if you didn’t find it, I’m not telling where it is), and basically spoils her children ROTTEN.

And she’s drunk starting at, oh, 8am.

Watch, cringe, laugh, love.

And then let's chat....

Is it rude and conceited to ask: Why is everyone else I graduated with aging so poorly?

I mean, I’m no spring chicken myself, but self-esteem boosters seem to be coming in the form of Friend Requests by fellow Class of 94-ers that are 5-10 years into a marriage with three babies strapped to their asses.

For a while I considered: Huh, maybe I look that old and gross too.

But I have since realized: No.

Thank you running, triathlon and (mostly) healthy living.

In fact, I am healthier and in far better shape then I was in high school, a far away time when I favored oversized sweaters and khakis (to hide a body I hated), ate Marlboro Lights for breakfast and dinner, took up bulimia as my sole extra curricular, and mostly walked with my head down, so as not to attract unwanted and often negative attention.

I mean, sure, there are many a day when I myself can't find a brush for my hair, but overall, I think I held it together fairly well (of course, this is relative to some of my cohorts, and NOT, for example, to Cindy Crawford - 'cause that's one ageless bitch, yeah? Yes, please!)

My personal gems are the profiles of those douche bag guys (that made my life HELL) who are now bald alcoholics – the ones where, at age 32, have their entire Photo application section dedicated to current pictures of themselves, still shit-faced, still with their high school friends, and always at some football game/on a boat/at wedding, just yukking it up, like it was graduation night 1994, and the Black Crowes were blaring from some background speaker.


Apparently, you CAN go home again, especially if you never left (your parents basement), and the bar closes at 4.

It's like a modern day version of a John Hughes "Where are they now?" movie - you know, the one where everyone starts out like the Emilio Estavez character in Breakfast Club, but ends up more like the Molly Ringwald's dad in Pretty in Pink?

Thank you Facebook – you have both eliminated my need to attend any other reunion EVER, and given me the solid knowledge that, should I decide to participate in such a function, I'd win a fat karma victory.


Mommymeepa said...

As usual you cracked me up. Well, I should say I don't crack up at your posts that are saying how blue you are, or at your posts that are your rants about politics, but usually you make me laugh. :-)

I was made fun of my whole life and it has been fun to find people of facebook and see how they are now. I"m actually looking forward to my 20th reunion. I'll have lost a butt load of weight and done a 1/2 Ironman by then. I can't wait to rub it in all their faces. Most of the ones that made fun of me are so, how should I put it? Fat, balding, and not doing much with their lives. It is a great booster for my self-esteem.

Take care. Glad to see your back. Another meeting with my coach today.

Love ya,

Ellen said...

Praise Jesus, SHE'S BACK!!!!

Rachel said...

Happy to see you are back! Looking forward to getting together soon!

Jen said...

OMG Meg, I cannot stop laughing!!! I spent my entire Sat afternoon watching the Real Housewives marathon on Bravo or whatever. Kim sucks! She is the absolute worst - did you see the episode where she is sitting in the front seat of her convertible, DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE and smoking a cig? Un-f'n believable.

And the facebook thing is so true!! I feel so much better about myself after seeing some of these pics, and hearing about their lives, with homework, cookies, blah blah blah. There is a god.

21stCenturyMom said...

Too funny. Except for the part where I am assaulted with the knowledge that I am 22 years older than you. yeah - 22. I graduated in 1973. The classmates I've found look great but very few of them are tech saavy so the only ones I've found are totally hip and in great shape.

The Big Cheese said...

I am trying to figure out the parents basement comment. A bad thing or a good thing? huh.

Alili said...

Phew, I missed you there. And I wish I had cable so that I could watch the housewives--I love a good train wreck show. :)

Maggs said...

Haha! I just joined facebook and saw some highschool friends and thought the same thing about 1/2 of them.

Captain Cactus said...

Totally true about Facebook, but I have one question ...

It seems that all the fantastic people I'm meeting through triathlon and the successful people I know here locally feel the same way about FB. How is it that all of these folks had such shitty times in high school, while none of the "cool kids" have moved on? Is it possible that a little bit (or in many cases, a whole lot) of adversity early on is the best predictor of awesomeness later in life?

Maggs said...

Ok, so I just did the age test on FB. It asks a bunch of questions, then tells you your 'true age' mine was 16. a friend from high school who is overweight and doesn't exercise, drinks a lot etc, is 47 (we are both 36). I wish she'd at least walk for exercise, but she just doesn't see the point.

Bridget said...

I just said to myself today, when I was so distracted by the memory of that show that one of my students had to ask me a question twice, maybe it really is melting my brain. It frightens me that I can watch this show and enjoy it. I am going to place a self imposed ban on it. But I will continue to surf to try and find out who big poppa is. I've read that he is not black but he is married. Lastly, old girl gotta get a new weave. It's too blond, even for her. I bet she would catch fire real fast.

Prin said...

Yey weddings! Hehe.

I think maybe they get older just from going through the wedding planning. *avoids eye contact*

I agree. The douches are still 16 and haven't grown up a day.

But then you get some weird ones. Like the high school jock wannabe marrying the self-proclaimed skank.

"Let's be wannabes together! YEY!"

Or how somehow the biggest bitch in high school had kids and became a needy soccer mom. Go figure.

And then there's the one who barely spoke to me in high school who wrote a random memory on my wall and I replied "I just did that so you'd like me but it didn't work. You hated me anyway," and she wrote on mine, "What?! I was trying to get you to like me too. I thought you hated me."

Ah, high school. Where even the good things are warped into bad things.

Wipaddler said...

Yippee! Another lol moment! I love reading your posts.

The best part of FB is the ignore button. Seriously people you ignored me in high school I'm sure as hell going to ignore you now. Why? Because I can.

A friend and I were looking through the old class mates we could find and ran across the twin sisters in my class. They ended up going to different colleges but now they work for the same company, live in the same town and in the same neighborhood. One of them still wears the same matching track suits. FB reminds me that I have bettered myself and that there isn't a chance in hell I'm going to a reunion.

Tri-Angle said...

I HAVE NEVER even looked up this Facebook Phenom....
Maybe I should.
or not.

Team Brazo said...

Thankfully you are back -- missed that "slap upside the head" blog entries.

Have a nice evening...

T. said...

OMG I can't believe you wrote about this. I was JUST having this conversation with BF about how facebook has brightened my life and self-esteem. Those bouncy bitches back in high school are getting it back ten-fold and it all seems to be in the form of Betty Crocker moms with double chins and thunder thighs. And the guys? Yep, still at home.
Sweet lord THANK YOU for facebook. I, too, shall never have to attend a high school reunion.

Flatman said...

So. Freaking. True.

IM Able said...

I have only one thing to say.



Cindy Jo said...

As usual, you said EXACTLY what I've been thinking, esp. after going through my 20 year reunion pics (now I really wish I would've gone)! I basically just read your blog now (finally catching up) instead of writing anything on mine b/c you say the same things I would 99% of the time!!!

And how about the new chic on the Orange County Housewives - the one with Kenny Rogers?