A New Ode to Food

I have spent most of the last week inundating you all with escapades of my social life, which, oddly, have include more events than in the whole last year combined. Funny how when you have a house guest, everyone suddenly wants to hang with you. Or maybe they want to hang with my house guest, and I’m just along for the ride? Hmmmmm…

I think the only thing I didn’t mention was the blogger reunion/Kansas football party on Saturday, which I sadly did not take pictures of, but have to say that Clyde and his wife are super sweet, and their daughter is amazingly adorable. It was great times, even if Kansas lost. Sorry, Cheese.

Unfortunately, the downside to so many social activities is the massive amounts of food consumed. So after a week of straight-up binging, I found myself two neglected children and a lip-synced MTV performance away from being Britney Spears – and not the hot “I’m a Slave 4 U” variety, but the “Gimme More”-and-by-that-I-mean-Cheetos Britney Spears.

Only, I probably ate her Cheetos somewhere in the food frenzy.

And my biggest mistake was thinking that my workouts would balance this all out – but you can only burn so many calories in one day, ya know? An 8k can only fix so much, right?

Oh food, oh food, how I both love and hate you.

So in the spirit of the holidays, just like last year, I came up with a neat little diddy to commemorate a week-long food binge only “The Biggest Loser” contestants could appreciate.

Here’s an early Christmas gift to you. You’re welcome.

I Am Now Fat
By Megan of Project Procrastination

Oh, the old healthy Megan, with shiny hair and skin,
The one with the small arms, defined waist and single chin.
She has disappeared, at least briefly - a victim of sugar and fat
Reduced to cellulite and seeking solace in her new yoga mat.
My once-flat belly, described by my sister as “chiseled,”
Has now been undone with pumpkin cheesecake and turkey gristle.
I thought by my workouts, I would be able to maintain
My decreasing body weight, minus my back pain.
An 8k for Thanksgiving to balance the feast
That would take place that night, feeding my belly (the beast).

But oh no!

The turkey, sweet potatoes, stuffing, and bread
Not to mention the apple pie and cheesecake that still dance in my head.
I ate so much I actually belched and threw up when I got home-
I swore, “Never again!” but the vow would quickly be blown.

But oh, if it was only Thanksgiving that did it,
In fact, it was entire week of binging that that turned my baggy sweatpants into “fitted.”
It started with the infamous Black Tie Bingo
Where around the food table I danced a-ringo
Crab cakes, croissants, brownies and vanilla cupcakes!
Oh, the perils of having a family who bakes!

Then onto Thanksgiving, which we now know about,
Followed on Friday by wine, cheese and Mexican food with friends going out.
Then Saturday night, it was the Kansas football party,
Complete with Lou Malnati’s pizza, beer, and laughs a-hearty.
But that night I thought that I would be good,
So I ordered a grilled chicken breast, and avoided the pizza as best I could.
But that night the appetizers were what did me in,
The spinach dip, potato chips and cookies did win.

The official detox began yesterday with a bike ride
Two-and-a-half hours of sweating left few places for the L-Bs to hide.
But I blew it again today with Lime flavored chips
Dang! They are good! Even if they go straight to my hips.
I then washed them down with some sushi and ice cream
Well, really frozen yogurt, but nothing rhymes with yogurt.

So damn you pizza, turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes and chips!
To hell with you cheese, bread, pies, cakes and dips!
You may have won this battle, but I WILL win the war
A fat little girl, I will be NO MORE.
‘Cause see I will be an Ironman, it’s this path I will forge
I will train myself to re-focus on fitness, not a gorge.
No movie popcorn or candy slip-ups
It’s water, fruits and veggies, measured by the cups.
The pool, bike and running will keep me straight
So myself at the end of the month I will not hate.

I know, I know. Pulitzer quality. Please, you’re too kind, but the applause is quite deafening. And while you have reached the end of this shockingly poignant piece of poetry, take comfort in knowing that, come New Year’s, I will likely have a few new pounds and more tasty stories of native delicacies, straight up from the rolling hills of Kansas. Bring on the fried squirrel!