Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Turds

So the Biggest Loser started last night.

Mama pajama! Them is some big folk!

Cheese is convinced that BL is trying to get a person to have their first 200 pound weight loss. After last night, they’ll get it for sure this season. I mean, that one kid weighed in at like 450 pounds.

I gotta say though – after this first episode, I am sort of rooting for all of them to win.

Well, all of them except for Laura.

She’s a cry baby.

And I know I say it every time – but what the FUCK are these people crying about?

And I love how they say shit like, “When we pulled into the ranch, it was the first time I realized I needed help.” Or, “When that really old man almost died on the gym floor, it was the first time I realized we were all really sick.”

The first time, people?

Really?

‘Cause the years of multiple doctor’s warning, rampant diabetes and high blood pressure, inability to breath regularly when walking even a couple feet, and the size 48 pants weren’t clue enough?

The fact that your organs are so filled with fat they are actually growing so big and pushing your lungs up and closing them off – still no idea, huh?

Best line of the night?

“We’re a bunch of fat kids in a really fat gym class.”

Of course, I celebrated the new season with a dinner of Weight Watchers Smart Ones…and two ice cream sammys.

Yeah...yeah I did.

*lowers head in fake, insincere shame*

But hear me out – I allowed myself this slight binge because I will be forced to have nothing for two days.

Well, nothing but a GALLON of liquid laxative, followed by what I believe to be a large rod shove up my poop hole.

Yes folks – that’s right.

I am having a colonoscopy.

And endoscopy (but I don’t know what that is, I just do as I’m told at this point)

It’s a long story, but the Reader’s Digest version is that I was sent to the GI docs as a result of my most recent kidney check up. The GI doc took one look at my history and my family’s history, and was like, “Yeah, we need to take care of this.” So he sends me through a battery of tests, mostly “just in case” and to rule things out.

So I like to look at the next few days as my own personal version of Gwyneth Paltrow’s colon cleanse.

At least it’ll kick any remnants of my Christmas cookie indiscretions out of the system, yeah?

21 comments:

Fave said...

I love BL.
Although I always find myself watchign it while eating. Last night it was hot chocolate and christmas cookies.
In 20 years I might be on the show!
Have fun bonding with your toilet. Think of it as a toxic cleanse!

Amy said...

POOP! as Brian says: it's just upside down boob.

I married him 'cause he's hot.

I'm addicted to last 10 pounds boot camp (a local show) and bulging brides. A half hour story about someone's month of diet and fitness fun to lose 10 pounds. I'm half tempted to sign up... as a challenge to the host/trainer they have because there is NO WAY he can make a work out that's enough of a challenge for me. I might start watching BL on the sly though.

Lauren said...

I was surprised at the pick of the silver team (silver, silver!?, its just gray) for who got to stay.

I agree with the 200 pound weight loss idea. When he put up the 30 pound loss, we said "Yeah, he just needs to do that every week for 10 weeks." and then we realized, given his height - yeah that's about dead on. He's 5'8" so you don't have to look it up. 150 would be about his 'ideal weight.'

Ouch.

Borsch said...

I love BL....but with everyone being sent home right away I hope that they spent a lot of time during week 1 taking nutrition notes.

ps....have fun with the...ummm...cleansin

Eric said...

#1. Yes Laura is a cry baby.....so glad she's gone already. And if she comes back, it won't be thin.

#2. I think they whine and cry when they hit the gym "for real" because they've never really exercised "for real" without quitting. Probably a wake up call and alot harder then they imagined.

#3. I honestly believe that it doesn't really hit some of them how bad off they are until someone almost drops dead. If they really got it before hand, they wouldn't be 400 pounds!!!

#4. Those x-rays of the organs being crushed by fat was an eye opener!!! Made me want to eat some wheat germ :-)

The (IRON) Clyde said...

J had a colonoscopy last year, you're going to come out of it really loopy.

She was absolutely hilarious for about 2-3 hours after it was over.

BL just blew my mind last night, WOW.

The silver team was classic, the bigger of the two, who lost the least weight I might add, totally was throwing her team mate under the bus for being the lowest lowing team.....good stuff.

Cassie said...

Yeah, I am totally hooked on BL and will probably also watch the show on Lifetime about the 5 friends who are trying to lose weight. Have you seen that one? Last night though, during the first weigh in, did Allison have to continually say over and over and over...you are below the yellow line...blah blah...you have to send someone home? It bugged me. Oh and I can't wait for Bob to go medieval on the silver team woman's ass next week!

Spie said...

I watched the last half with my four year old. I think she summed it up best when she said "Mom, they are all really fat."

I hope that Carla some how gets her "just desserts". Her attitude and support towards Joelle does not paint a "best friends" picture.

About the colonoscopy -- plan to take the whole day off -- maybe the next day as well..This comes from an experienced audience member who was greatful she was not the participant.

stronger said...

hope everything checks out well

The Fire said...

loved the drugs they gave me when I had the camera shoved in my poop chute!!! Come to think of it the hot dr in the e.r. when I walked in made me feel much more comfortable...the barium sulfate you have to drink..i think that is what it is...better off drinking it in a big cup, with ice and a straw...drink it fast and it isn't so bad!!!

Vertical Man said...

Piece of cake! Ooops, never mind the cake...

Mommymeepa said...

Biggest Loser . . . .
Didn't like the twist. Didn't like the Silver team. Liked that the girls are finally big. I was too big when I tried out, so happy to see they are doing a show with bigger people. Happy to see a couple of teens since teen obesity is such a problem in this country. Loved how Bob and Jillian talked to the cameras at the beginning. Was excited to see how much the old guy lost. Was surprised by who got sent home on the silver team. I think Bob will be upset by that. Not sure why he chose them first except the challenge of helping the biggest girl succeed. Am excited that I didn't have to wait a year to see another season of BL.

Good Luck with the colonoscopy. Doesn't sound fun. I'll be praying for you.

Rachel said...

Good luck with your procedures. Those are yucky but necessary. I need one too eventually but keep putting it off (IBS). I love BL! The contestants keep getting bigger and bigger. It's amazing to see those people transform.

Duane said...

Hi Meg! First off, the colonoscopy is not a big deal unless they don't drug you! Had three and so far so good.

I love BL too but I have to wonde about last night. Did the producers load these people up on salt so they would have miraculous weight loss (as they did) 20,25, 20 pounds? Please! I workout 12-14 hours a week and I lose 1 pound? I don't mean to be negative, it will be interesting to see the losses over the next few weeks!

Flatman said...

I am so addicted to BL. The "kids" make me really sad. The whiney chick made me want to throw my remote at the screen! :)

Have fun getting the shaft! ;)

momo said...

big j is having both of those tomorrow too!

The Young Family said...

Love the BL - have you hard "my" claim to fame? lol My hubby went to school with Suzy who married the winner in was it season 2? I think so.... you can bow down now... it is a priveledge to know me.

Em

Benson said...

BL is a good show. I don't watch it regular but like seeing the results.
I'm always sad and sometimes angry with the teen and child obesity issue. I hope for positive changes.

Good luck with the 'probe'. I hope all the results 'come out' good.

Kathleen said...

Some people consider that a high dollar "spa" treatment :-) Enjoy!

Alili said...

I absolutely loved the BL premiere. And yeah, I want them all to win. Except for maybe Tara...she was too full of her own awesomeness. If she was in my face I would have to slap her.

prin said...

Somebody blogged about doing that self torture....

click here

Good times... I hope you're ok...