Monday, March 12, 2007

Where Its At

This weekend was unbearable, to say the least. While the pain somewhat dissipated on Saturday, which was likely due to Friday's treatment, it returned full force on Sunday and put me right back in bed.

The physical pain, however, is nothing compared to where my mind is right now. I go up and down, one moment confident that this will pass, and the next devastated at the likelihood that this whole thing is over. Not working out for now six days is only complicating things, as I feel more and more sluggish and behind. Even if my disk does go back into place, there's not a whole lot of time for the back to recover before putting it through the pounding of a race.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, and I know everyone has been supportive and helpful, but sometimes the intensity of the pain racks my body and literally makes me sick to my stomach, and its really hard to keep positive at those times. Most of yesterday and right now have been spent managing the anger and tears, as even contemplating this is almost too much. I spoke with my coach on Friday after we got the news, and he was all, "It's all about the journey, you've learned so much" and I agree and don't want to dismiss that point. But as anyone who goes through this can attest to, this becomes your life. I attached so much to this race as a goal, and while the learning process was great, the possibility of not actually fulfilling that goal is literally heartbreaking.

I have also been trying not to get so dramatic about this, repeating to myself, "People go through worse loses, this is nothing," but the reality is that to me, it is something. We don't make goals with the mindset of "Well, maybe I'll get there," or "I'll half-ass it and see what happens." We make them, and then do everything in our power to achieve them. This is what I did. And while I know I gained a lot in the process, that end goal, the finish line, may no longer be there for me.

So in the meantime, I will as hard to stay positive as I have to physically recover. I will make my final decision at the end of the week, of course with my doctor's and coach's input. And if anyone has any suggestions at all on things they have found helpful for their own hurt backs, please pass the knowledge on. I could use it.