Monday, February 18, 2008

The Bag

I had a number of small tidbits of things to post about, so I threw them all in a bag, and tried to pick one out. None seemed all that interesting to talk about at length, so I thought I would just give a smattering of it all.

1. As if my program hasn't taken enough hits as it is of late, what with all the threats of a shutdown, my Supervisor's meeting this morning yeilded this nugget of information: Due to the lack of a state budget (which should have been signed last summer, mind you), my last paycheck will be February 29th. Yup, apparently child welfare is not on the list of state priorities at the moment, or really any moment in the last 10 months. So funding is gone, and so is my income.

2. Still haven't done my taxes.

3. I would complain about the weather here, but why bother at this point. This has been, by far, the worst winter in recent memory, with the record snowfall and freezing temps. To say it is cold here today is an understatement. I wouldn't really care all that much, given my stock pile of fleece pullovers, but the windchill on Wednesday means a 2:45 treadmill run. Again.

4. My sister is having a really tough time with this weekend's marathon performance. I am not sure how to help her with this, and maybe it's not my place, and maybe she doesn't want my help. But it breaks my heart to watch her be so disappointed with herself when she has nothing to disappointed about.

5. My donor testing has been moved to the 27th, and it sounds like the entire battery of tests will be completed all in one day. One very, very long day.

6. I blew two swims last week, and frankly feel that making the pool this week will be a struggle. I can barely warm up in my apartment, much less don a swimsuit and jump into some freezing water. I have a five-hour trainer ride this weekend, which I am stressing about, even though I have already done a handful of 4.5 hour rides. Why this is freaking me out I don't know. This race is in less than eight weeks. The pressure is mounting to suffocating proportions at this point.
Some days I wonder if I will crack under the pressure of all that I am biting off (and I fully acknowledge that this is all of my own doing). I have had some anxiety in the past about this race or whatever, and for the most part, it's been quieted. But some days, I just feel like I will break.

For whatever reason, this race seems much larger than anything else I have done, including my doctoral dissertation, and THAT really sucked. Maybe it's because I need to be "on" both physically and mentally, or maybe because it makes me confront all my demons on a daily basis - eating, self-esteem, and, most of all, fear of failure.

And that fear is always there. Some days this fear makes me want to stay in bed, but I don't - I keep getting up and facing it. But it's there.

Always effing there.

That's it.


Go Mom Go said...

You hit it on the head. It is that fear...of everything...that Ironman pulls out of you.

YOU are strong enough. YOU are able to do this. YOU will get through and love it! you have to keep working even though they are not paying you? How does that work? What are you going to do? Maybe you could just get out of Chicago and go find some place warm to ride for 5 hours instead of your trainer???

I am praying for you and for your sister.


Danielle in Iowa said...

Gees, if IM training is worse than a dissertation, I don't think I am ever going to train for an IM :-)

Good luck with everything!

Prin said...

1. OMG! That's the last thing you need now. :( (hugs) That's terrible.

2. Me neither.

3. Complain away. It blows.

4. :( You girlies are far too hard on yourselves. Here, have some chocolate.

5. I wish I was there to give you candy and maybe a high five.

6. (hugs) Just focus. Re-establish your priorities. You have so much on your plate. You have to figure out where to focus your energy and leave the rest out of your mind, body and spirit. It's too much otherwise. Way too much.


Comm's said...

Maybe its time to go private practice.

So you blew off two swims...isn't that the theme of your blog and why you write it? Because somedays you just feel like screwing off inspite of surmounting odds and how you overcome that?

Brent Buckner said...

Wow, you and Devin both seem pretty big on internal pressures re: goals/achievement.

All the best grinding through the training process.

Andy said...

Go Meg
Listen to Comm, I do.

stronger said...

I like #6 on prin's comment...leave the rest out of your mind, body, spirit.

Steve Stenzel said...

Good luck in the pool. Ugh. I hate pool training...