Guess what it’s time for?
At some point, when you eat massive quantities of ice cream, Sour Patch Kids, Junior Mints, Twizzlers, Coke Zero (wha--?), and movie theatre popcorn, your ass looks up at you and says, “Come on, Meg. Really?”
Well, maybe not YOUR ass, 'cause that would be just weird - your ass looking at me.
I mean, MY ass.
And what an ass it has become.
Oh, and in case you might be thinking that I have exaggerated the amount of ice cream ingested, here’s a little story:
Last night, after a baseball game, complete with hot pretzels and peanuts (which I eat WITH the shells because I LOVE the salt), I came home, pulled out the quart of ice cream, and proudly proclaimed that I would finish the whole thing.
Cheese looked at me and said, “Yeah right. You can’t eat that whole thing.”
Them is fightin’ words.
Less then 20 minutes later – DONE.
And he may or may not have run screaming from the room, disgusted at the ugly display of gluttony I put on, wailing something about “Did not sign up for this food monster…who are you….your double chin is scaring me…..blah blah something.”
But I can’t be too sure, as I myself was laid out on the ground in a sugar coma, eyes in a transfixed state at the empty wrappers of candy in the garbage can, specks of sugar clinging for dear life at the corners of my mouth.
Twice-a-day running and pool visits apparently weren’t enough to assuage the pounds.
So instead, I came home from Oklahoma with belly fat and hips the size of the actual state itself.
Oh, and we are not even going in the direction of the GI issues.
Suffice to say that the body does not process, say, Gummy Bears, the same it would a meal of salmon and spinach.
I seriously can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep bitching about how bad I eat and how fat I am getting. I need to actually do something.
I need a detox.
And not the stick-a-tube-of-liquid-up-your-ass-and-flush kind of detox. Just a real good, back-on-the-good-food-wagon detox.
Wow. Sounds like I’ll be a bucket of laughs for the next few days.
Fruit and veggies have no sense of humor.