Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bringing Home the Fat

Plane landed.

Luggage collected.

Guess what it’s time for?

A diet.

At some point, when you eat massive quantities of ice cream, Sour Patch Kids, Junior Mints, Twizzlers, Coke Zero (wha--?), and movie theatre popcorn, your ass looks up at you and says, “Come on, Meg. Really?”

Well, maybe not YOUR ass, 'cause that would be just weird - your ass looking at me.

I mean, MY ass.

And what an ass it has become.

Oh, and in case you might be thinking that I have exaggerated the amount of ice cream ingested, here’s a little story:

Last night, after a baseball game, complete with hot pretzels and peanuts (which I eat WITH the shells because I LOVE the salt), I came home, pulled out the quart of ice cream, and proudly proclaimed that I would finish the whole thing.

Cheese looked at me and said, “Yeah right. You can’t eat that whole thing.”

And them?

Them is fightin’ words.

Less then 20 minutes later – DONE.

And he may or may not have run screaming from the room, disgusted at the ugly display of gluttony I put on, wailing something about “Did not sign up for this food monster…who are you….your double chin is scaring me…..blah blah something.”

But I can’t be too sure, as I myself was laid out on the ground in a sugar coma, eyes in a transfixed state at the empty wrappers of candy in the garbage can, specks of sugar clinging for dear life at the corners of my mouth.

Twice-a-day running and pool visits apparently weren’t enough to assuage the pounds.

So instead, I came home from Oklahoma with belly fat and hips the size of the actual state itself.

Oh, and we are not even going in the direction of the GI issues.

Suffice to say that the body does not process, say, Gummy Bears, the same it would a meal of salmon and spinach.

Ugh.

I seriously can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep bitching about how bad I eat and how fat I am getting. I need to actually do something.

I need a detox.

And not the stick-a-tube-of-liquid-up-your-ass-and-flush kind of detox. Just a real good, back-on-the-good-food-wagon detox.

Wow. Sounds like I’ll be a bucket of laughs for the next few days.

Seriously.

Fruit and veggies have no sense of humor.

12 comments:

Joe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jessica said...

Wow, you sound like you're about to hop on the Minions-of-Oprah bandwagon and try the Quantum Wellness cleanse!

I eat the peanut shells too. I may end up with an appendix full of peanut and sunflower shells, but mmmm... salt.

MissAllycat said...

I swear to God, you are my sister from another mister. I am in the exact same place right now.

And yes, jessica...I'm hopping on the Quantum Wellness bandwagon, too. Not because I'm Oprah's bitch...but because...crap. I'm Oprah's bitch. :)

Anonymous said...

and i still weigh a good 30 lbs more than you and i dont even think im fat.

perception is certainly not reality.

Prin said...

lol @ "apparently weren’t enough to assausage the pounds."

Ok, so you didn't write it, but that's what I read. :D

Peanut shells? Ew.

And Cheese is complaining? I thought he wanted the boobies back? :D

The Clyde said...

Weren't you just complaining a few weeks ago that you didn't have an ass (during the Madison to Chi run)?

You should be proud of your rump-a-rooski if it is indeed back.

Tri-Angle said...

You're hardly Rubenesque (did I spell that right?) Meg, not that I've seen you, but I can add 20 or 30 lbs to what I have seen, and ur not fat.
But that food you've been eating...ewwwww. The shells? That's just so wrong on so many levels.

Alili said...

Or you could just brag about your new junk in the trunk...

Seriously though, you have me in stitches. What I wouldn't give for a little more sugar.

The Big Cheese said...

I think the " " need to be removed from the second comments attributed to me.

Kathy said...

lol Meg

Wipaddler said...

my ass is bigger and I to love peanuts in the shells and when I can't stand to get another shell "thread" stuck in my teeth I will suck the salt off of the shell then crack it open to the peanutty goodess that is inside.

tri-dogmom said...

You are totally forgetting the salt! :-)

I've been on a post ironman diet of salt with a side of potato chips!