How Not To Travel

Tip #1:
If at all possible, AVOID O'HARE AIRPORT.

This should really be the only tip on here. See, I rarely, if ever, travel through O'Hare. Though it has the stellar distinction of being one the largest, if not THE largest airport in the world, it also comes with the distinction of having the most delayed flights, mostly because it is the largest airport, and there is simply too much going on. A clusterfuck of flights, it you will.

You would think that flying home late Sunday from Kansas City to Chicago would be a relatively easy go.

You would be wrong.

Flight was scheduled to depart at 7pm, land at 8pm.

Flight departed at 940pm, landed somehwere just before 11pm.

Little Meggie entered her apartment at just about 1am.

And Little Meggie was none to happy.

Tip#2:
Make sure to plan ahead for parking.

See, when traveling out of Midway Airport, Cheese taught me how to avoid parking at that airport by instead using a remote parking location at half the cost, and tons more reliable.

For this trip, I did not plan ahead - leaving me to park in a lot that was miles away from the airport itself. Since I never travel out of O'Hare, I did not know how far said lot would be.

And in my grand rush to get to my flight, I parked, and never looked up at the sign to remember exactly where I was leaving my precious little Harriet the Hyundai.

No matter - I figured I would just retrace my steps once I got back. But there's something about getting back to a full, unfamilar parking at 1130pm, only to realize, "Shoo, I can't find that darn thing." And one might think that such a world-reknowed airport would at least have a little security car trolling to find and help hapless young women too self-absorbed in their own shit to remember insignifcant details such as where she parked her car.

Uh uh. Nope.

So there I was, wondering the enormous lot, in the dead of night, while all these other families, happy packed their sunburned asses into their SUVs and drove back to their surburban homes to tuck their precious kids in and smile at what a lovely time they had down in the Caymens.

While little old me went up and down the isles, dragging this suitcase behind me like a kid whose mom left her behind in grocery store, if that grocery store was outside and filled with cars.

So after about 35 minutes and a near breakdown (we all know how sensitive I have been lately), I find good old Harriet, nestled right in between the two SUVs where I left her. Crisis divereted.

Tip #3:
Thinking ahead about parking alliviates not only lost car drama, but also the price tag of said parkng stay.

After exchanging the naming rights of my first born for the small fortune O'Hare milked from me for my three day car nanny, I finally left that montrosity of an airport.

But not before I shoved 2 or 12 handfuls of jelly beans into mouth to soothe my frustration.

And you bet I mother-fucked everybody and their grandma all the way back home. Maybe blew a couple red lights to, but who can blame me?

The worst part? It was all my fault. Well, aside from the flight delay (oh, which was because O'Hare had "too much air traffic" - no seriously - wouldn't that then make our aldermen step back and say, "Hmmm...the already-established flights can't get in because we are too busy, so maybe pushing for this airport expansion might NOT be the best idea...hmmm...lemmme think about this...." Seriously, I was one handful of jellybean-infused rage away from driving over to Mayor Daley's house and putting my blistered foot in his ass for this expansion nonsense).

Yup, the rest of the frustration was my own lack of planning, which was due to nothing other than pure laziness.

Don't you just hate when crap doesn't work out, but you have no one to blame but yourself?

I do. I hate that.

So what did we learn today?

-Plan ahead when traveling.

-Don't eat too many jelly beans before bed, or you will find yourself unable to sleep and blog posting at 2AM.

-Giving nasty looks to tantruming crabby four-year olds behind their mother's back in crowded, hot terminals does actually get them to shut up, at least for a few minutes. A good IPod playlist should take care of the rest.

And with that, class dismissed.