Sunday, March 16, 2008

What I Learned on My Brick Today

Over the course of the last several months, I have learned a lot about training, myself, life, etc. And along the way, I have disseminated various nuggets of knowledge that I have picked up along the way. For example, we all now know that a three hour bike ride and Brazilian wax should never occur on the same day. Also, five hour bricks and pedicures are never a good idea. And let’s not forget the general importance of eating more than 500 calories a day while training for an Ironman.

See? All good lessons, all nice to know in the event one should even encounter those particular situations. If you need to write them down, keep ‘em in your purse or pocket, by all means do so. I’m here to help.

So, after another five hour trainer ride and 45 minute run today, I have a few more to share. Enjoy.

1. No matter how hungry you might be after said brick (or any brick for that matter) it is never a good idea to pair a large chocolate/peanut butter milkshake mixed with two scoops of protein powder, with a tuna sushi roll. Now, they may both look very good, especially when all you have consumed that day was GUs and power bars, but trust me on this, people. Pick one or the other. Not both. EVER.

2. In a similar vein, don’t go grocery shopping immediately following a long workout. Inevitably, you will find yourself buying stuff you will never eat, and likely would vomit at the thought of on any other day. Take for example smoked salmon. Good on bagels with cream cheese, but not for a snack in the car on the way home from the store. Another example? Ranch flavored pita chips. Why? Because Ranch-flavored anything should be banned from all things edible, and it you’re going to buy chips after a long workout, indulge in the real shit – save the pita for hummus when you’re trying to be health conscious at an office party.

3. During long workouts, you may find that feet go numb, or hands start to tingle from being on the handlebars too long. Today, I discovered what it feels like to have a burning sensation go from my chest up the right side of my face, through my ear, singe my cheeks and almost knock me off the bike from the intensity of the heat. I find that it is best to just ignore this. The way I see it, if I was truly having a stroke or a heart attack, at least it was during something worthwhile. And my sister would find me after a few days anyways. But if you quit the workout and you don’t die, well, then, you just lost a workout.

4. If you ride for five hours inside, and then take your run to the streets on a cold Chicago day, it is imperative to change sports bras. Ladies, listen up – you will pay dearly with bone piercing cold if this is not done – so take a couple extra minutes, struggle yourself out of the soaking wet one, and replace with a nice dry one. ‘Cause nothing says “add to my overall misery” than a nice frigid run along the lake with only a soaking wet sports bra and windbreaker to keep you warm.

5. When running outside, remember to fully turn your head to spit your mucus into the grass. Otherwise, you may end up with it on your brand new running jacket. While other runners watch. And laugh. And you don’t discover it ‘til ya get home. Similarly, the cheepy knit gloves are a fantastic substitute for Kleenex.

And that’s about all I can muster right now. My brain is slowly starting to leak out of my ears, and needs either a nap or a strong cup of coffee so I can write some of these reports that have been sitting on my desk for weeks. It’s five o’clock here, so coffee it is.


Prin said...

I think I just caught a cold from reading #4.

"But if you quit the workout and you don’t die, well, then, you just lost a workout."
Sounds like a plan! *goes for a nap*

The Fire said...

Is spitting on yourself running the same as spitting roast beef on someone??

momo said...

the other day, i went for a bike ride and it was kinda cold out there, then i went to meet big j for breakfast. he goes - is that...SNOT on your jacket?

duh, course it is!

i've snotted and spit on myself more times than i can remember.

good workout, girlfriend!

The Clyde said...

What did I learn on my 3 hour trainer ride?

I need a new bike fit.

My balls are still numb.