Before you read this, forgive me if this post is all over the place. I am feeling really scattered and hope that maybe verbalizing it might set me on track.
Did you ever feel yourself just kind of plunging down? When you know you have a ton of workouts left in the week, but doing anything just really seems pointless? Then you start to feel guilty because your fitness level is beyond where its ever been, and you worry you might lose it if you take a break? And you can't really take a break anyway because your race is in three months (three months!) and you are already sidelined by a raging knee problem that might just sidetrack the whole race anyway? How do you find the point in it all?
This all kind of came to a head last night when I was trying to do my swim. It was late, about 730pm, and for some reason, about an hour into my swim, I just started crying. I got a cramp in my left foot and the tears just came. I just quit. I got out of the pool, got my towel, buoy and keys, got dressed and went home. I quit the swim.
The weird part is - it had nothing to do with the actual swim itself, which was fine (long, but fine). I just feel bad. I am frustrated with the knee situation, angry that I have no insurance to get surgery if I need it again, have to pay more money to have another doctor look at it, and have to decide if I have any business even starting a race when my body is not 100%.
I know this also probably has a least something to do with my test result anxiety, job situation and family stuff, but it is all taking a toll on my training. I tried talking to my coach today, but he has so much going with his new baby and all, and he's so tired and distracted, which I understand, but I feel like I need some moral support in this. Larry is great by pointing out that this race pushes all your demons to the surface (boy, does it ever) and it really makes you think about things you more often than not choose NOT to think about. But I just feel stuck. I have no other way to put it.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday to see if this knee thing can be fixed, and am pretty much not running at all until then. I have a 3:15 ride tomorrow, and hope that the weather holds, because I really don't feel like doing it inside (I get the WORST ass-thigh rash from sitting in the saddle so long on the trainer and there are no movies out right now that I can occupy myself with, but if worse comes to worse...) Anyway, I have to go finish the laundry and then try to collect myself to head to the pool.
Feel free to post suggestions on how to pull my head out of my butt.