Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Water I Swim In

The IM training is providing me with daily lessons, insights and confrontations regarding my fears and negative thoughts. I was always the girl that would quit the race after mile one, not because it was hard, but because I was afraid it would get hard and then it would be painful. So to avoid the pain, I quit.

IM training is changing that, and making me take regular inventory of myself, my strengths and my shortcomings. For those of you who have experienced this level of training, you know exactly what I am talking about. Moreover, I am also learning about the life in which I submerge myself, the people I chose to have around me, and the way I allow myself to be treated.

Just like the aforementioned scared girl, I am also the person who repeatedly allows people to use me as a door mat, walk all over, say things to me that are horrible, and all the while, I just absorb it. I internalize it, and then agonize over it, ruminating and wondering how people can be so mean, how unfair it is, how angry I am, yada, yada. This ends up keeping me up at night, cutting my appetite and overwhelming me with self-defeating thoughts, none of which are productive to IM training and frankly, my own well-being.

Although my family tells me I am being "shrinky" when I say this, I truly believe that the way a person treats another is a reflection of how they feel on the inside and then projecting it outward. For example, if someone calls you a nasty name or puts you down, it is highly likely that they feel so crappy inside that they can no longer tolerate it, and try passing it onto someone else. They may not be aware of this process on a conscious level, but most of us aren't, or can't articulate or admit it. The same thing works for jealousy - if someone is jealous of you, they will attack you in passive or aggressive ways, leaving you feeling like you did something wrong.

And here is where I end up getting stuck - Someone projects their unhappiness onto me, treats me like dirt and when I stand up for myself and tell them that what they are doing is unfair and inappropriate, I end up feeling guilty. WHY?!? This is crazy talk. Defending myself leaves me feeling like I did something wrong. It then takes me a long time to just let it go, to accept that I did something right for myself, and let the other person deal with it. Let them hold their own bag of doo-doo, if you will.

But what makes me angriest is when people lie. It's funny, 'cause you can steal from me, cheat, or punch me, but nothing hurts me more than when people lie. It is the ultimate form of disrespect, like saying to someone, "Yeah, I don't care enough about your feeling or you, for that matter, to tell you the truth." And lying by omission, my own personal favorite, is even worse, because without fail, the person doing will try to justify it by saying, "How is that lying if I didn't even say anything?" Bull. A big puck of bull poop. They know it, you know it, but yet I end up second-guessing myself, and then accepting their justification.

So here is what I know today - I am going to continue standing up for myself. I understand that people will have a hard time with this, think I am a b-word, or whatever, but that is because they are simply not used to it. But I have to stop beating myself up over it. And secondly, liars have no place in my life. If you lie, you can find another friend. And if I know you are lying, I'll confront you, and then you can find another friend. But don't ever try to make me feel like it is my fault that you had to lie, or that I did something wrong that forced you to then treat me like crap. Uh-uh. That won't fly anymore. Everyone, EVERYONE, makes decisions on how they act and behave, and no matter how you try to spin it, NO ONE can force you to behave in a certain way. Just like I am working on doing, I expect others to accept responsibility for their actions, ESPECIALLY the adults in my life. See, the IM is not just making my body strong, its making my mind and my self-esteem stronger. I am so done with absorbing everyone else's crap.

The life I emerge myself in is the water I swim in - the cleaner the life and the people in it, the cleaner the water in which I swim.


Anonymous said...

yo all i have too say is that your tough. never forget that. see, you should never feel bad or guilty for telling the know cause that is the right thing to do. you should always tell people not what they want to hear but what they need to hear. like when ellen cooked her first turkey dinner nad that shit was raw. we had to tell her. thats what makes us yankees so cool. there is only one place for people who tells other what they want to hear instead of the truth.......and thats the SOUTH....seacrest....out

Megan said...

Right on. Thanks for the moral support, even if you are slowly giving up your Yankee status.

Anonymous said...

never have you been a person to hold back your thoughts or feelings when you saw injustice and I have always admired you for that. Your not alone in your feelings. But don't forget fear is in EVERYONE. Fear of being rejected, not loved, forgotten about can play a big roll in why people may not tell the truth. To intentionally tell a lie is disrespectful, to not say anything is not dodo. I believe for a person to not say anyting means they have alot to say but live with fear and truly want to say everything that's is in them. Your an extremely beautiful and intelligent woman with inner feelings that are yet to come out You understand more then most people do, I think that's due to your profession, which by the way, i honestly believe everyone should partake in. Maybe if they did, the fear would be gone. I also want to add, I found it extremly interesting to read your first comment from anonymous